Episode 2: The Day Everything Changed

November 17, 2019 began like any other Sunday.

In this deeply personal episode of Love Survives Grief, Stephanie and Shaun take listeners back to the ordinary morning that forever divided their lives into a "before" and an "after." It was a day filled with routine, familiar moments, and no indication that their world was about to shatter.

Together, they walk through the events of that morning—the normal rhythms of family life, the plans for the day, and the countless small moments that seemed insignificant at the time but would later become permanently etched into their memories.

Then everything changed.

The life they knew ended in an instant. The future they had envisioned disappeared, replaced by shock, confusion, and a pain no parent should ever have to endure.

With honesty and vulnerability, Stephanie and Shaun share what happened that day, the emotions that followed, and the memories they continue to carry nearly seven years later. They discuss the details many people never see—the chaos, the disbelief, the unanswered questions, and the desperate hope that somehow this couldn't be real.

This episode is one of the hardest stories they've ever told, but it is also the foundation of why Love Survives Grief exists. Because while November 17th marked the day their lives were forever altered, it also marked the beginning of a journey that would teach them what it means to survive the unimaginable while continuing to love a child who is no longer physically here.

This is the story of the day everything changed.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome back to Love Story's Grief. Today we are diving deep, deep into the most traumatic day of any parent's life. The loss of our son, Cash.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Specifically about the baby. Our baby. Our perfect little baby. It's gonna be I can already feel the tears. It's gonna be a hard one.

unknown 0:29

Extremely hard.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

But it's kind of where our I mean, we said last time our journey started, you know, with with my dad, your grandma, but I think it it really, really started here. That was just kind of like a taste of grief. But you know our life kind of took a very I don't know that I can look at you if you're gonna cry.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

So where do we start?

SPEAKER_02 0:59

At the beginning, I guess. So it was November 17th, 2019.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

A Sunday.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

We already said we we're you okay. November 17th. Beautiful day. It was it was a Sunday, which back then was always the day that I went to Costco. We live in Utah, and we well, I I don't even think anymore it matters, but back then it was like Sundays Costco was less busy. Now I feel like Costco's just busy all the time. Yeah, it didn't, it didn't seem to matter. But it was about a week and a half from Thanksgiving, and we were staying home that year. We were not going anywhere for Thanksgiving. We were hosting, we were going to host our good friend's family um for Thanksgiving. And so I knew that morning that I needed to go and get things because the longer I waited, the more busy it was going to be.

unknown 2:00

That's true.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

Um, a lot of times we would go all together. It that wasn't abnormal by any means to all go together to Costco um or or anything like that. And I'm pretty sure we were going to barbecue that night for a different friend. Because I know after Costco I had to go to a regular grocery store. Um I don't remember that.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

Who was it that we're gonna barbecue?

SPEAKER_02 2:26

I'm pretty sure it was uh Mike and Merovic because that's why when I called her, she wasn't shocked like to come over.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Gotcha. But normally I would have been at work and I got off around noon. But I was training in a new position. So I'd work Saturday night in the office, and I was not driving the truck on the road. Normally I would have left Saturday morning, went up to McCall, Idaho, spent the night, came back, and I would have been home around one o'clock at noon. So that for me, that was one of the first things after the event happened after Cash passed away. That was one of the first things that were I blame myself. Because if I would have been in the normal schedule on the road, I wouldn't have been home. And maybe he still would have survived.

SPEAKER_02 3:29

Where on the flip side of that I say, thank goodness you were home, because I'm a firm believer in it was going to happen anyways at some point, and so I'm glad you were home. So I kind of have the opposite perspective of that, and the opposite mindset of that. Um but so that morning I woken up with the kids, you know, he was all three of our kids at that point were eight, four, and seven months. Um our eight-year-old had his own, he was living the life, man. He had the whole basement to himself. He had square feet.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Yeah, he had his own personal bathroom, like in his own little apartment down there. Yeah, living room.

SPEAKER_02 4:18

Yeah, he had a huge room, Legos all over. Um, he was down in the basement, and you know, our four-year-old and seven-month-old were in the rooms across from us, upstairs, and like up upstairs, because we had a traditional two-story and then a basement, and so you know, our the other bedrooms were upstairs. Um but it it was any other weekend. All of them slept great, they were always great sleepers. I like to think they get that from me, great sleeper. Um, we had woken up, I had gone downstairs, you know, picked cash up out of his crib, super happy, smiley, typical morning, nothing abnormal at all. Um Brinley, our daughter, had woken up at that around that same time. They shared a wall, and so I'm sure she heard, you know, him laughing and giggling as you know, we're changing um his diaper and all those things, and changing him into I'll never forget the outfit that he wore. He was in gray sweatpants and a long sleeve, like a greenish color, thermal onesie.

unknown 5:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:27

Um, that's what I had changed him into, like out of his pajamas had changed him into that. We went downstairs and I gave him half a bottle. He had just started sitting up. He had a huge head, and so it took him a little longer to sit up because I feel like he was top-heavy. He toppled over a lot. But I mean, he had just started that week sitting up, and so again, in hindsight, looking back, I'm so thankful because we had so many pictures from that week because he had just learned something new, and so he was sitting with his toys and he was playing, and he loved Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Obviously, Brindley, our four-year-old, did as well. Um and you know, I fed him his bottle, half of his bottle, because he had since he was sitting up, um, he had just started into the like stage two, I think is how the baby food like containers worked. Um like and it it's the oatmeal mixed with like fruit or something, and he and I was so excited because he had tried he was getting a new one that day, and it was the stage two oatmeal with mango, and I was so excited for him to try it. And you know, he finished his bottle, I set him down playing with his toys and his sister for a little bit while I went and got the baby food ready, put him in his high chair, fed him that like he was it was a typical morning, you know. But Lincoln at some point woke up, came upstairs.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

Nothing abnormal.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

No, at all. Yua came downstairs eventually. We all kind of we all kind of hung out.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Um playing on the ground, nothing abnormal with his health.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

No, nothing at all. I mean, he had been sick prior. I believe it was your birthday. He was in, we had taken him to the emergent room because he kept throwing up like his bottle. August. Yeah. So I mean months prior. Yeah, months. Um but nothing. He he didn't have a cold, he didn't have a belly ache, he wasn't fussy, he was never fussy, anything like that. Um, and we just all kind of hung out that morning. And I at that point had made the comment of, hey, I need to go to Costco. It opened at 10. The earlier you get there, the better. Um, I can remember you asking if I wanted everyone to go, and I said no. It was a beautiful day in November, especially for Utah. And so you were going to do some yard work. Um, and I had asked you to wait until Cash was napping to do it, like just hang out with the kids. I'm gonna go upstairs, I'm gonna get ready, and and that's what I did. And you stayed downstairs, you know, with with the other kiddos. Cash stayed down with you. Again, I can't stress it enough how normal it was. Like, so normal. Um perfect day. Yeah, and it it it just really was. We were talking about Thanksgiving and finalizing what we were gonna have for appetizers and things like that. And, you know, I'm upstairs and I'm getting ready, and at that point, um, I can hear you in his room changing his diaper and getting him ready for his nap, you know, and I'm I'm in the room and everything, and I can hear you guys kind of laughing and giggling. He had just kind of found his voice, wasn't saying any words. He would cry, he would say mama when he cried, but he wasn't like he never said dada. He didn't have any teeth yet, so he wasn't like teething like nothing like that. Um and you know, I I could hear him laughing and and babbling, but not not saying anything. And um as I finished up, I could hear you close his door, say goodnight, close his door, and then you were like, Okay, I'm gonna go down and do some yard work. And I was like, Alright, I'm gonna go down and I'm gonna head to Costco. And you know And then Lincoln and Brindley stayed inside for a little bit they did, and then they went out back and they were playing because we were like, enjoy the sunshine while it lasts, because we're about to get a huge storm, and we knew a storm was coming, and so we were like, go enjoy the sunshine. And back then, before Teenage Attitude, they played really well together. She still listened to everything he said, so they were you know busy playing, you were out doing yard work, so it was fine for them to be outside.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

Backing up the second you talking about all blaming myself throughout this whole day. The second thing that I blame myself for was putting him to bed. I was the last one to hold him, I was the last one to see him live.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

Yeah. And I do think it's uh relevant to mention that his normal blanket that he slept with was in the I was doing his laundry that morning because it was Sunday, like, so I was doing all of his laundry. Um, I mean he had his other baby blankets in the room, you know, and I remember you had asked. I rem I distinctly remember you asking, well, what blanket do I put him down with? His favorite, what it was his favorite, it was his minky, and I was like, oh, that's downstairs, just grab the other one. And I distinctly remember that. And I I want you to know I don't remember that because I blame you, but I remember like, oh, it wasn't his normal blanket, and it comes into play later when the detectives are at our house and they're asking, and I just remember saying that over and over and over again. It wasn't his normal blanket, and it wasn't his normal blanket. So as I left and went downstairs, his doors closed, and I can hear him talking and babbling, like he was fine, like probably playing with his toes like he did all the time. Um, you know, we put him to sleep on his back. He had his one blanket that he always slept with. Um now he could sleep with now. Uh prior to that, he, you know, months before he was swaddled and he didn't have a blanket, but he could roll over now, he could sit up now, he could do all of these things at seven months. Um, he played peekaboo all the time. Like he he was able to do all of those things. So we did put his crib bumper back on. We because now we were worried about him hitting his head or putting his like feet through the rails and like getting stuck. So now that he could roll over and do all those things, it was like, okay, I can put that back on. And I remember making that decision and tying it back on and all of those things, you know, that looking back, I'm like, oh okay. Um but I leave, I go to the store, and I I do remember getting to Costco and just kind of feeling weird. And I don't know why. I don't know why I did. I got there around like 10:30-ish, um, and just feeling weird. And it was like, okay, whatever. Like at the time, I'm sure I attributed it to having to shop at Costco right before a holiday.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

Looking back now, possibly being alone. Yeah, being alone. Because there's a lot of times we went as a family.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

Yes, usually we did.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:10

And we had that like baby hammock that went on the shopping cart so he could lay in it.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

That was awesome.

SPEAKER_02 12:15

Yeah, it was real, and so many people would always stop and talk about his hair or comment on the hammock. Yeah, yeah. Good times. So, I mean, you know, there's so many things going on that it wasn't abnormal. It wasn't weird at the time to feel weird or anything like that. So, you know, everything at home fine. Again, I mentioned he was a great sleeper, usually would sleep for like two hours for a morning nap, then we'd wake him up. Usually he would wake up and one of our kids would go in and get him. Lincoln had just within like the last month been able to go in now that he could like sit up, um, he could get him out of the crib himself. And he was really excited about that. Um, but anyways, I get home and the kids I remember seeing them out back playing and laughing and stuff, and we're unloading the car. And Lincoln had asked me, can I go get cash? Because it had, I was like, Oh, he's not awake yet. We have to go to and this is why I remember that we were had to go to the grocery store because I made that comment. Oh, he's not awake yet. He needs to eat a bottle and we need to go to the store, and we were all gonna go to the store, to the regular store. And Lincoln asked if he could go get him, and I re and I said no, which is weird looking back now because he always got him from his nap. That was like his new favorite thing to do, and I said no, and you know, we just finished unloading the car and stuff, and then I said, Dad's gonna get him, which is very abnormal. That was not what you typically did. It was either Lincoln or it was myself, yeah. Like it was very abnormal for me to say dad's going to get him.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

And so because typically I help bring all the groceries in the house, but you typically organize the fridge and the pantry.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

Yeah. And so I do love to organize.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

You were doing that. So while you did that, you asked me to wake him up.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

And I said, I'm gonna make a bottle.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Yeah, feed him, and I would be the one to feed him.

SPEAKER_02 14:10

And I grabbed his bottle and I didn't make it. And I don't know why I didn't, I mean, now I know why, but I just I held it and I waited, and it was silent. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

I walked into his bedroom, and he was laying on his stomach, and his head Which is not abnormal either.

SPEAKER_02 14:34

He loved flipping to his stomach. We would never put him on his stomach, but he loved sleeping on his stomach, like stomach side.

unknown 14:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:43

And his head was against the railing, but under the bumper. And the blanket was on top of him. And I remember just but I could still see his head.

SPEAKER_02 14:57

I was like, it wasn't covering him, it was like up to his waist, like a little bit above his waist.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Yeah, but below his shoulders. And I could see his head, his skin, and it was not right. It was dark, dark purple. And I could I just freaked out and just started screaming down to Stephanie.

SPEAKER_02 15:16

It was the most horrifying sound I've ever heard.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

And I just started yelling. Call 911, call 911, and she didn't believe me at first.

SPEAKER_02 15:28

I didn't. I said, ha ha, you're not funny.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

And I remember picking him up out of the crib, and he was just limp. Like there was nothing to him. He just dead weight, just holding him.

SPEAKER_02 15:46

And I met you at so we had mentioned it was a two-story house, and I was downstairs in the kitchen. I heard that horrifying sound. Um, sorry, but that just kind of all comes back to you.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Yeah. Like a horror movie just replays in your head.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

And her stairs had like five steps and then like a landing, and then it they rotated um the the direction of them. And you were standing at the top as I turned, and I could see his lip body, and you just screaming. And I had my phone in my hand, and I remember shaking, and those it was the hardest three numbers to call, and I knew I had to call them, and it was this poor dispatch lady on the other side couldn't hear anything I was saying, couldn't make out anything I was saying, and um at that point I had run up the rest of the stairs, and I landed in our daughter's room. And I somehow was finally able to spit out our phone number, and I remember saying the words, my baby's dead, and I knew it. And the dispatch lady just saying, Don't say that, mom, don't say that. And I but I knew it. I knew it in my heart. And I looked at you, who was now across in our room, but our doors were open, and we had like the double open doors, and I could see in. And I said, Holy shit, I have to do CPR on him. And at that point, he was on our bed, and I said, He has to go on the ground, he has to be on a hard surface, and I have to do CPR on him. And so you had taken over the phone. And I I was CPR trained because I had worked at a daycare, and you know, they they required it and stuff, but to do CPR on a dummy versus your own child is very different. Okay, I knew I had to press hard, I knew I had to feel his rib cage breaking, and when it's your own child and you're doing that, it's it's a mind game. And you were on the phone now with with the dispatch lady, and she was trying to get people there as soon as she could, and it just felt like an eternity.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

But we did live near a fire department, very close.

SPEAKER_02 18:32

I don't even think a mile away was one.

SPEAKER_00 18:35

I remember as I was on the phone with the the dispatcher, you could hear the fireman coming up the stairs.

SPEAKER_02 18:43

And you had made the comment.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

She was just asking where we were in the house so that she could tell them.

SPEAKER_02 18:48

And our other two kids, Brynley came inside, she heard me scream, and she had come in thinking that I had gotten hurt. And she she walked all the way upstairs. Um, I think Lincoln knew something was wrong. I mean, you know, we'll get their perspective on this.

unknown 19:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:11

Um later, but he is a lot like me, and I think he knew something was wrong. So he didn't come up, but poor Bridly came up because she wanted a chocolate. Which is just I giggle at that because it's so on par for her. And four years old, she she wasn't she wasn't catching on to what no, she had no idea, and it wasn't until months months later when we were driving home when we had moved to California where she asked me why I was hurting her brother, and that broke my heart. Because she saw me doing CPR on him, and I can only imagine as a four-year-old watching your mom over your baby brother pushing on him, you know, like I can only imagine what her mind saw and interpreted that as. And our minds are amazing things and they shelter you a lot, and they you know, they're a great defense mechanism. So for her to interpret that, I just oh, that broke my heart. But um, you had made the comment as I was doing CPR, his colors coming back, his colors coming back, and I remember yelling at you and saying, No, it's not, that's just my breath going in. Because I had looked down at his feet and they were purple, and I knew I I just I knew when I saw him at the top of the stairs, I said it out loud on the phone to the dispatcher. I said it numerous times in our room. Like I just I knew.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

Um I knew as soon as I picked him up out of the group.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

Yeah. And, you know, finally the I b I believe it was the fire department got there first, and I'll never forget the the guy. He was a very short older man, and he yanked me off of him and and I yelled at him, and I said, Let me at least close his eyes. Because his eyes had been partly open still. They said, Let me just close his eyes, and he pulled me away as I went and as I as I closed his eyes, and then they, you know, they didn't want us in the room as they were doing whatever they were doing, and we were very quickly shoved into a different room, which ended up being his nursery. And I don't think they knew I think they were under the impression that he was found in our room because that's where we were, because we had moved into our room, yeah. And so had they known at that moment, I don't think we would have been shoved into.

SPEAKER_00 21:39

Eventually we were in room.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

Yeah, eventually they did move us out because they had they realized and they had to take pictures.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Yeah, they wanted to investigate the room.

SPEAKER_02 21:47

But yeah, that was a very, you know.

SPEAKER_00 21:51

We were just sat on the floor against the wall.

SPEAKER_02 21:55

Yeah. And we had our little dog who wouldn't leave our side and our Kids were outside, and you know, in in that moment too, I have I have no idea what our kids were doing. I have no idea what they saw. I mean, we've heard bits and pieces, because for months afterwards, Lincoln used to have to go through the whole day, and we would have to sit there and listen to him just relive the whole day from this eight-year-old's perspective, and that was heartbreaking.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

The last time I remember him doing that with me was probably a year ago. Yeah. I mean siren. Me and him were just driving in the car and he he did the entire day with me.

SPEAKER_02 22:29

If he still to this day, if there are sirens and a lot of them in a row, he'll go back to that day and he'll start talking about it. And I'm just like, oh, you know, and it it's like brace for that because I have to be his sounding board, but you know, that's always really hard to say and have to not that we don't relive it every day, because it does parts of it replay in my mind every single day, but to I just think hearing it from your child's perspective it just hits very differently.

SPEAKER_00 23:04

Um and to see his emotion with it, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

And as he's gotten older, how he's processed it differently or has remembered different things and things, you know. We um I mentioned that I worked at a gym daycare, and one of the amazing families that was there was a police officer. And I watched his kids for years, and he ended up being one of the officers that re-responded to the house. He had no idea, but he ended up responding to our house. And I remember when he walked upstairs and he looked at me and he said, This isn't supposed to happen to you. And you know, he ended up being downstairs. Our kids knew him.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

Not I remember him saying, I know you.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

Yeah, I know you not they didn't know him well, uh you know, like they just but they were familiar with him, and so I do think in that moment that helped our kids a lot because it was like, okay, somebody they could trust. Um, and then our kids ended up a couple houses down. They they didn't let them.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

Yeah, he helped na navigate that.

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Yeah, getting them to like a different place, you know. Um but the next little bit is fuzzy, and you know, for the first time we we pulled this police report this literally this past week.

SPEAKER_01 24:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:17

Um because the next little bit got for me kind of fuzzy. Also, I mean this is a 12-page report.

SPEAKER_00 24:24

Like this is a very thorough because we were just stuck in the room for hours.

SPEAKER_02 24:31

Yeah, and it but it didn't it didn't feel like hours to me. I don't know for you.

SPEAKER_00 24:35

How many hours total was it? You think four or five?

SPEAKER_02 24:38

Oh man, I don't even know. I don't feel like we went down until like almost six. So at this point, I called 911 at 1211. And I'll that that time will always always stick in my mind. Um I did call at 1211. But yeah, so what we're you know, we're shoved into into the nursery, and I I neither one of us have family in in Utah at that point. Or I guess my brother had just moved there. Um, but again, not super close. We had talked about that in our in the last episode. I wasn't super close. Um, but we had really great friends, really, really great friends. And at I re I remember so many different medical personnel and officers, and not necessarily knowing who was who or what department they were with, because they all just kind of mesh together, yeah. But just so many people coming up and going down and coming up and going down and coming up and going down, and then going in and out of our room where Cash was, and we were never allowed back in there. Um and they always closed it right behind them. And so I nobody was telling us that he was officially dead. We both knew it.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

But nobody was saying, hey, this happened, you know. They were they were being very respectful, very quiet, um, all those things. But again, as as the door opened and closed, and I remember asking one of the ladies um that had come up, I said, is somebody in there with him? Because the original guy that had pulled me away from him left. I watched him walk out and I said, Is somebody in there with him? I didn't want him in there alone. And she said, Yes. Um, you know, just all those little things, and and we're shoved in that room, and I was just like, That's that's not his blanket. Because I asked you, why was that blanket in his crib? I was like, what? Like, it's almost like I had forgotten that I was washing it. And I was like, that's not his blanket, that's not his blanket, why is it that blanket? Why is it and it it was just a buffalo plaid blanket. I mean, it was totally fine. It was one that was in his room all the time. Um, it just wasn't his his typical one. But and then they asked us if we could call anyone, and I poor Beth. Yeah, your sister. Yeah, she who doesn't live in Utah. I mean, she's 10 hours away on a Sunday where she was going to get uh family pictures done, right? Yeah, they were going to take family pictures. So I call her and the lady, I don't get anything out, and Beth is also the one that I called when my dad died, or tried to call, tried to say, you know, hey, he passed away. And so this is the second time that she's getting a very frantic call from me. And the lady grabbed my phone and she ended up hanging up. I don't know if she realized she hung up. I don't I don't know if she needed somebody local. I like I don't know if she was trying to get a hold of our family friends that ended up coming to get the kids. I don't I don't really know why she grabbed it and hung up, but she did, and so Beth called me back. Um and you know, I was I I didn't realize it at the time, but I was on her car speaker and everyone was in the car.

SPEAKER_00 27:58

Her husband and three kids.

SPEAKER_02 28:00

Yeah. Who we are very, very close to. Um, and so her kids who are, you know, also young. I mean, she had a teenager at that point, but her youngest and our oldest are the same age, are hearing all of this unfold as well, and I I just felt so terrible when I realized that. And but they couldn't understand me. She heard me say it, but I don't think it processed in her mind either, you know. Um and her husband grabbed the phone, who I've known since I was 11, 12 years old, and he told me to put you on the phone, and he was like, give it to Sean, give it to Sean. Cause I think they were just trying to figure they had pulled over, they're trying to figure out what was going on. They had pulled over, and I gave you the phone, and you were not in any better shape than I was. Yeah, and so Todd very quickly was like, give it back to Steph. Because I think every now and then I could say a word or two, yeah, and you I don't think we're able to say it out loud yet, and I I knew I had to. Um so, anyways, we get a hold of them. Oh, um, and I I didn't realize how many people at that point were gathering at our house. I had I had no idea because I felt like you could hear the sirens in the beginning, and then I I think once they told each other over their you know speaker walkies and things, I think the sirens stopped. People still came, but the sirens weren't on anymore. There they knew there wasn't a reason.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

And amongst all that too, before you called Beth, people were had your phone and called. Didn't they call Meravik?

SPEAKER_02 29:47

I called Meravik. I called Meravik. Yes. I called Meravik and I didn't say why, I just told her she needed to get to the house.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

She was the first person.

SPEAKER_02 29:55

Yes, she was the very first person there, and she had no idea why. In fact, later she ended up saying, I thought you and Sean were just in a fight. She said she could tell in my voice. I didn't say anything on the phone. Um, all I said was, I need you to get to my house. She didn't live far. No, and she she did. Um did she no, the lady, I was gonna say, did she call Melissa and Corey? But the lady did because they were at church and I I f I wanna say they called twice.

SPEAKER_00 30:30

And she was the paramedic, right?

SPEAKER_02 30:31

Yes, that's who took my phone when she had hung up on Beth. I remember that. Yeah. They were at church and they ended up answering, like they walked out to answer it. It was my, you know, my phone number coming through, and they said this is the Leighton Police Department. We need you. Do you know this family? We need you to come to their house. And they left church immediately and they and they got there. Um and you know, Melissa had walked up to the room, stayed with us for a little bit. At that point, Meravik was up there. Were Chuck and Allie there?

SPEAKER_00 31:00

Not yet, no.

SPEAKER_02 31:01

Chuck is my brother. Um, we never called him, but again, it goes back to the plus side of a big family, I guess, is you let one person know, and they all let each other know. Um, also I grew up very religious. No, I'm pretty sure Amanda did.

SPEAKER_00 31:18

Who told Amanda?

SPEAKER_02 31:20

Probably Beth.

unknown 31:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 31:22

I'm not really sure.

unknown 31:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:24

Which Amanda's her other's older sister.

SPEAKER_02 31:26

Yeah. Um, but also growing up in a religious, you know, we were LDS, it spreads like wildfire as well. And it's just, I think that, hey, somebody get there for them. Like, we can't be there. I need people there, like, you know, kind of a deal. We I never called your parents.

SPEAKER_00 31:45

I did. Oh, you did eventually, but it was later, later after all of this. See, so somebody had called.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

I really think that lady had just taken my phone and was calling people. Um that is not mentioned in this police report. I did try to look for that um earlier. But I that lady, I think, was just trying to get a hold of people to let them know your mom was at work.

SPEAKER_00 32:09

Um she was a nurse.

SPEAKER_02 32:12

She was a NICU nurse, yeah. Um But we just sat in that room forever. Forever. And it didn't feel like it, but it did feel like it, like one of those weird time warp things. And I mean I I never got the impression, but it was also very different because I'm not the one that found him, I'm not the one that put him to bed. But I never felt like they were accusing me at all that they accused either of us, but I didn't feel that way, okay.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

But I did blame myself. Right.

SPEAKER_02 32:43

The detective man was very I wish I should look through here and figure out his name.

SPEAKER_00 32:49

Um they had us go through the what had happened when I put him to bed and when I woke him up.

SPEAKER_02 32:56

And well, the that whole morning they had us go through the whole thing because they were trying to find the baby food, because I had mentioned it was a brand new one. They were trying to find that. They made the comment. It's even noted in the police report that um the garbage had already been taken out. The house was very clean and organized, like almost to a fault where they couldn't find it.

SPEAKER_00 33:13

But they were very the manner they questioned us was very professional and they were sensitive to us. I felt respectful, sensitive. They were very sensitive to us.

SPEAKER_02 33:22

And I th I I really do feel like that that poor detective man was very sweet.

SPEAKER_00 33:27

Thank you, Leighton PD.

SPEAKER_02 33:29

Yeah, this was all late in Utah. Um I never felt, like I said, judged. I never felt anything. In fact, um I remember after they had moved us, uh, they made you walk through. They had me leave the room first.

SPEAKER_01 33:45

Correct, correct.

SPEAKER_02 33:46

And you had to stay, and they were questioning because you had like a Gatorade bottle that you had dropped, obviously, when you found cash. Um, and they made you stay. Now I thought it was interesting in the police report, it talks about a baby doll, like they had put a baby doll in. Was that in the like did you have to walk through at the baby doll?

SPEAKER_00 34:04

I don't remember that. Okay, yeah, I don't remember that at all. I just remember putting my hands in the crib and showing them pointing exactly where he was. The different spots. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:14

And they had me leave the room before they had already put me over into Brindley's room. So that was the only time we were separated. But when I was over there, I wasn't quite like nobody was with me.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

Um and it wasn't very long. No, not even 20 minutes, 15 minutes, probably. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:28

And I think it was just a hey, let us get this down, like and that is documenting everything. That is where they realized, like right before then, like he wasn't found in our room.

unknown 34:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:40

And that's when they were like, Oh, we've got to get you guys out of this room.

SPEAKER_01 34:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:44

Because we've got a document in here. Because even in this police report, it talks about how they were they were taking pictures of everything in our room, of the closet, of the bathroom, of everything in ours because they had that swapped. Yes, I just like I said earlier, we had moved him to our room.

SPEAKER_00 35:00

Um, and so yeah, I mean, we didn't really go through the entire story of what happened until the detective showed up. I don't remember telling the firefighters, paramedics, or anybody. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:11

I just remember what or when screaming constantly for my baby and just saying that yeah, just in shock, in complete shock. Yeah. At one point, like I said, my brother showed up, he came upstairs. He sat in that room with us. Yeah. I mean, in Cash's room for hours. He didn't say a single word. Um, he tried to put a blanket on me at one point. I do remember that. I think because my like I was shaking, but I wasn't cold, you know. It's it's just your body's reaction to everything. Um but him and Merivik stayed in that room with us the entire time. Yeah. Until we were moved to Burnley's room because then they had everyone go downstairs. Um but yeah, we were in Burnley's room, you had walked through everything, and then I remember the detective coming over and asking if we wanted to go in and see him before they moved him. Do you remember that? Yeah. And he walked through and he said, I won't forget it. He was a dad. He might have even said he was a grandpa, but he said, I would not want to see my baby like that. And he warned us. And I I chose not to. And he just said, think of the happy times you're not gonna want to see him like that. And I felt guilty for not going out. Um, and then he asked us very respectfully, very, very respectfully. I really do, I really am thankful for him. Um if we asked, um, or he was going through the procedure of how normally, you know, they bring up like the stretcher and the bag and everything, um, because the medical examiner was there now. But he asked if we would let him carry him downstairs. And he said he would have his officers, I don't know if you remember this or not, line the stairway so that nobody downstairs could see him.

SPEAKER_00 37:13

Yeah, I didn't remember that.

SPEAKER_02 37:17

And I didn't realize who was downstairs. I was like, like, who's downstairs? Like Chuck and Merivik? Like, you know, that that's all I was aware of. Um, but he was like, I'll call my officers back up here and they'll line the stairway if you would have me carry him downstairs. And of course we were like, I mean, do we have another option? You know, like what's what's our other option? And uh that's what we did. And he very respectfully carried him out. He told us to stay in the room in in Brindley's room while he grabbed him. He double checked, we didn't want to see him, but um nothing was brushed. He, you know, he told us numerous times, take all the time you need, take all the time you need. When you're ready, I will walk him downstairs. When you're ready, we'll line it so nobody sees him. Um and that is eventually what we we ended up doing. And then I remember hearing the front door shut and looking at each other and saying, now what it was very quickly this sudden reality. It was like that frozen time warp was now unfrozen, and now we have this reality we have to face, and our kids still had no idea because they were gone.

SPEAKER_00 38:50

Um, we hadn't talked to them at all.

SPEAKER_02 38:52

No, and we had asked the Melissa and Corey not say anything, and I do think they had told their kids, yeah. Um but we asked that they not say anything, and obviously, you know, they were very respectful and followed our wishes on that.

SPEAKER_00 39:08

So then we once cash left when we walked downstairs, and there was a room full of. Well no, but I remember going back to our bedroom.

SPEAKER_02 39:18

Oh, I did it. I went straight downstairs.

SPEAKER_00 39:20

I went back to our bedroom and I just I had been outside all day, I'd none yard work, so I just wanted I needed a shower and just change. And I wasn't ready to face who was downstairs.

SPEAKER_02 39:32

See, and I walked straight down and I hadn't I thought I was gonna walk into Merivik and Chuck, and there's a room of like 20 people, and it was so humbly, I guess. Um it was people from my childhood that had moved to Utah. Who were very much like my family. I mean, my best friend's mom was there, um, Brinker's mom was there. We had Candace and her mom were there because they happened to be in Salt Lake. Um The Wanvics were there, like people that I have known since I was a little girl. And how special that was for them to be there. Um but I walked downstairs and I went, oh, I gotta make the bed. And I went into this weird denial mom mode. Um, and I said, Oh, I gotta go make Lincoln's bed. Beth and Todd are coming. Like, almost like it was a normal visit. Like, Beth and Todd are coming, they told me they were coming. And I remember walking down to the basement, and Michelle and Zoe God voice grabbed the blanket from me. They were like, You've gotta stop, you've gotta realize. And I was like, No, I need to stay busy, that's what I need to do. And then they just they just held me. And it was just those little bits of this is my reality, but I don't want to face it. Um I ran to the bathroom and I had thrown up. Like your body's just overcome with so much, and I just I spewed all over the bathroom. I'm so sorry for our whoever had to clean that. I don't know who it was. Um, but I am so sorry.

SPEAKER_00 41:21

I felt like it was like an adrenaline crash. Yeah, because your adrenaline was so high for so long, and then all of a sudden, just eventually it all just left.

SPEAKER_02 41:29

Yeah, for sure. And then nobody wanted to talk. Yeah, they all just sat and stared at us, and I was like, I don't know what to say. Um I like we sat on the couch for a while. They had ordered food for the kids. We at that point we had I don't know who called Melissa and Corbin.

SPEAKER_00 41:54

It was late, it was dark.

SPEAKER_02 41:55

It was dark, but it was also November, so it gets dark early. But it was late when well, yeah, because um I believe I think it was Candace, maybe the Wand Vicks, but they had ordered pizza. Like people were eating dinner now. I mean, we weren't because we I mean, if you've ever gone through the cycle of grief, you lose all appetite. You don't you don't have anything. I mean, you lose everything. But the last thing you're thinking about is is food. Yeah. Um, but like they had ordered food and stuff, obviously for them as well, you know, like they were all hanging out there and it was probably Meravig that called Melissa. That text Melissa and Corey and said, bring them back. Yeah. Because we knew number one.

SPEAKER_00 42:34

Both of them were co-worked. Meravig and Melissa, they all worked together at the daycare.

SPEAKER_02 42:39

Um like number one, I wanted my family there, like my you know, my kids, but number two, like, they needed to know it, and I wanted them to hear it from us, obviously. Um and it was this weird, I keep saying weird because I don't really know how else to describe it, but in between these like reality checks, it was like, oh, I'm just hanging out with people from home. And it was like, again, your mind and your and your body's defense of you can't handle all of this at once. So we're gonna back it up a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 43:12

Yeah. And you know, and I remember feeling so alone. The only one person that kind of made me feel comfortable was John Wanwick.

SPEAKER_02 43:20

John Lonvick, yeah. He's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 43:23

Yeah um, so he was someone that I could just gravitate towards. And they had told me that him and Chuck were the only men.

SPEAKER_02 43:33

Well, I mean, church people did show up, but we very quickly told them to leave.

SPEAKER_00 43:36

So it was very there was a lot of women.

SPEAKER_02 43:38

Can we just throw this out here? Like as a side note, when people don't go to church, the last thing they want is for church people showing up. Yeah, like it is such a special's not the right word. We um a tender moment that I don't need a stranger coming. In and then a stranger coming in saying there were two of them. There were two of them. They always travel in the world.

SPEAKER_00 44:05

I know, but yeah, complete strangers.

SPEAKER_02 44:07

Yeah, complete strangers to us. Never seen this man before at all in my life. I only remember one of like one of their faces. I'm pretty sure it was him and like his son. Like his poor son is dragged along to this. No, he was older, but I'm like he was a lot younger than the other one. Um but just them saying, Well, God has a reason to like I I I cut him off and I've been.

SPEAKER_00 44:31

Do you want us to pray for you?

SPEAKER_02 44:33

Or bless it. Like, no, I want you to leave my house. That's what I want. You are no one to me. Goodbye. If I want you, I will reach out to you. Like it just, it's the last thing, and it's just so tacky that and I, you know, I apologize to religious people out there, but just know your place, you know, know your place. Um, but anyway, and I say that because they had left right before our kids got there. Because we were now sitting in that very front room. Um, and our kids walked in, and I I I don't remember who I looked at, and I was like, it might have been Meravik, and I was like, I here it goes, I have to go tell them. And that was terrible. Uh you were no help saying that. Um, although not right now, but typically I don't show emotion, and you do, and so you were a ball of mess, rightfully so. I say that with all the people.

SPEAKER_00 45:29

So was I know we both were holding, like they were sitting on our lap.

SPEAKER_02 45:33

Yeah, I had Birdley, and I think you had Lincoln. Okay, yeah. Um, and that's when the first time I realized that Lincoln thought I was hurt. He was like, I heard you scream, I thought you were hurt. Like, are you okay? So he thought I was hurt this whole time. Yeah. And he had asked if Cash was upstairs sleeping again, and we were like, No, he's not. And that was terrible. Um Brindley, I don't think, truly understood, but she saw our reaction, she saw her big brother's reaction. And you know, everyone that was there, it was so respectful. They had stayed in a different room uh while we were talking to our kids and stuff, and and you know, Lincoln screamed, and just so terrible. And we were like, you know, Beth and Todd are coming, and because I knew my kids would feel better as better as you can feel, but with Beth and Todd there.

SPEAKER_00 46:30

Um comforted.

SPEAKER_02 46:32

Yeah, there you go. Um and yeah, then we just had to kind of go through it with him. They they didn't want details then. We didn't give them details. I just remember saying, no, you know, he went and he's with God now. And I I said that to them.

SPEAKER_00 46:48

Lincoln definitely took it the hardest. Brently was in shock and it was hard for her to process.

SPEAKER_02 46:52

Yeah, I don't I don't think she fully understood. But Lincoln definitely was processing that because that was our kids' first experience. I mean, Lincoln was two when your other grandpa had passed away, so like Brentley had not been around anyone that passed away. Uh which most four-year-olds aren't, four-year-olds aren't, but um and I and I kept asking people now at that point, like where are Beth and Todd? I knew they were coming, I knew they were coming as soon as they could. Um and I do feel like they got there in record time.

SPEAKER_00 47:25

They flew from Sacramento.

SPEAKER_02 47:27

I think Oakland. I think Oakland. And then, you know, they get there and she's she's the oldest of all of us. Um at my saving grace, it's so many situations.

SPEAKER_00 47:42

So it's go ahead. I was just saying that it was it's like an hour, hour and a half flight, and they probably got there in eight hours from when we have first initial flight. From the first call initial call.

SPEAKER_02 47:56

Yeah, they got there fast.

SPEAKER_00 47:57

It took 'em eight hours to book the pl flight, drive to the airport, get on the plane, and I'm sure they waited for the flight at the airport for a while, and then get a rental car in Salt Lake and drive to our house.

SPEAKER_02 48:11

And then they sat, you know, remember Beth telling us later she sat in our driveway for about 40, 45 minutes, just saying she couldn't walk in yet. And saying that once she opened that door, it was it became her reality as well. So to know that they were just sitting outside, you know. So they got there, they got there very fast.

SPEAKER_01 48:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:34

I had kind of dozed off on the couch a little bit, and then somebody had said that that she was there. Uh, because all of our family friends had stayed and were staying until Beth and Tom got there. And I think once they got there, everyone knew that they could breathe a little because the person I needed was there. Um which is very much so true. Like, my dad had already passed away. I don't have a relationship with my mom, and so unfortunately, Beth gets a lot of that, you know, and she she was.

SPEAKER_00 49:07

Beth is your pseudo-mom.

SPEAKER_02 49:12

And so, yeah, they walked in and uh just kind of she just kind of whispered in my ear, like, well, we'll do it together. And she stayed with us that entire week. Todd stayed for a few days, and then he went home to their kids. Oh man. But no, you had mentioned earlier that you went into our bedroom and took a shower. I never walked back into our bedroom. I couldn't. I never slept in there again.

SPEAKER_00 49:39

I never I wasn't ready to go downstairs, so I had I just did. I remember taking a shower and just laying in bed for a while. Not wanting to go downstairs at all.

SPEAKER_02 49:49

Yeah, no, I could not. I I mean I slept on the couch with Beth. You and the kids all slept in our room. On our bed, and I could hear you guys because our our bedroom and the living room were on top of each other, so you could hear everything. And I could hear you throughout the night just wailing. I mean, it was I don't think anyone slept that night. I mean, I don't think anyone slept for days. But it just it was terrible, and then you wake up that next morning, and you know, for me as mom, I I wake up ready to go into his room and to wake him up and hey, good morning, and and he's not there. Um, somebody had closed his bedroom door, the nursery, and we didn't open it up again until December. I mean, we and we kept that that closed until we were moving everything out. But it was a terrible day. It was a very, very terrible day.